Title: Homesick (Journal Entry- One)
Rating: G
Category: MSR post-ep Without
Spoilers: Within/Without
Archive: By all means... just tell me where 
please :)
Summary: Unable to find comfort, Scully 
starts writing a journal to Mulder as a record 
of her thoughts and fears during her fight to 
find him.
Feedback: Oh I need it- desperately... like 
junkie. xenoprobe@hotmail.com.

Disclaimer: Not mine, never were- make no 
profit, have no money, do not sue :)


*~*~*
Homesick
by xenoprobe                


It's late.

I've opened to a blank page and decided to 
write to you, tell you everything that is locked 
away inside of me.  

Upon my return from the hospital I did my 
best to curl up in bed, make myself as comfortable 
as possible. I could not find rest.  I felt lost.

My mind kept traveling back to the cool desert 
breezes of night.  Standing in the vastness, much 
like the vast hollow in my heart, I called your 
name.  I could feel you, as if you were carried 
on the very winds that caressed me.  I sensed 
you swirl around my feet and travel upwards- 
kissing breezes to my flushed cheeks.  I called 
for you and could almost hear your reply...

My apartment, my home; it holds no more 
security than a tent in the rain.  I felt no safety 
or comfort there.  I was angry- everything I 
touched was pain.  Pain for coming so close 
to you and not being rewarded with your 
return.  Pain for nearly losing the precious 
life I hold within.  So close- I'd come so 
close in so many ways... and now, everything
I saw only reminded me of how deeply alone 
I was.  I had to get out.  

Your apartment is like a time capsule.  Even 
the dust misses you.

I lay upon your bed sheets, my weary head to 
your pillows and I closed my eyes.  

I saw you. 

I saw you before me in the doorway and I 
held out my arms for you to fall into.  Your 
smile was like sweet, sweet torture and as 
you neared, I could feel the static electricity 
of anticipation, rolling off of me.  You 
whispered my name and suddenly it was 
a scream, a panicked plea and your form 
disappeared before my eyes; your voice 
echoing in my head.

I sat up- breathing out my fear.

I cannot sleep now- which is why I write.  
I went into your bedside table and found a 
journal- your journal.  I read for a while, 
invading your privacy and enjoying its comforts.  
There were no entries of your proclaimed illness.  
No silent pleas for more time.  There was no 
indication of anything extraordinary, except 
perhaps for what you said about me...  

You instead wrote poetically of your grief and 
loss at your mother's suicide.  You recounted 
the ephemeral events of your meeting with 
Samantha. These I'd expected. But the careful 
prose you crafted for me... it pulled at my already 
aching heartstrings and brought me to happy tears.  
To read of myself through your eyes was more 
incredible than any phenomena I've encountered.

I weep for you now.  I weep and write to you 
in your book for I know you will return to me
Mulder.  

I also know there will be a time for explanations 
and I'm afraid I will not remember enough to 
recount the details of my pregnancy for you.  
I want you to know everything, I want to share 
with you this miracle- our miracle.  Just please 
don't leave me here for too long Mulder.  Please 
come home, to this bed, to my arms before all 
is lost and I surrender to the pain of your absence.  
I am hollow and mournful and so very incomplete.

Like the tiny heart that beats quickly just beyond
the rhythm of my own, I can hear you. I can feel you.  

May God keep you safe.  Return to me.


FIN

*~*~*

Author's Notes: Now, you may think this was 
inspired by the title of David Duchovny's
recent film 'Return To Me'- it wasn't... 
That is just a happy coincidence.  Instead
this was simply written from Scully's heart.
I have found it incredibly difficult to write
in the wake of Mulder's absence but I found
this method of journal writing to be therapeutic.
I am considering doing more of this nature but
only if you think it is good enough to do so :)

Having said that, please send me feedback-
let me know if I should continue writing to
Mulder in the middle of the night. (Yeah I
know I'm nuts.) I've been really out of the
loop for a while and have also been ill.  I 
know this is short, but for me it is like a 
re-introduction to fanfiction.  I hope to 
hear from you :)