Title: Living On Maybes (1/1)
Author: Tissa
E-Mail: scully@cruiser.com.br
Rating: PG
Category: V, R
Spoilers: The Beginning, Triangle, a very small one for Never Again.
Timeline: After Triangle, I guess.
Keywords: Mulder/Scully UST
Summary: Scully makes a decision that may change her life and Mulder's.

***

Disclaimer: Scully belongs to Mulder. Mulder belongs to Scully. Spender
and Fowley belong in HELL... er... Aw, come on, you all know they belong
to The Great Surf Guru and his fellas at the beach...er... 10/13
Productions.

***

Author's notes:

1- Although I'm a compulsive fanfic reader, this is my first fan fiction.
Okay, that's not entirely true. This is the first fan fiction I finished.
Don't say I didn't warn you.

2- Please note that English is not my native language. I'm brazilian, I
speak and write in Portuguese 98% of the time. So if you find any error,
of any kind, please please please drop me a line about it. :)

3- Very special thanks to my lovely editors, Fabi and Erica. You guys are
THE BEST! :D

***

Feedback: Yes, please! If you like it, if you hate it, if you think I
should just go back to *reading*, drop me a line at scully@cruiser.com.br



********************** 
Living On Maybes By Tissa scully@cruiser.com.br
**********************


  I've been sitting here for several hours now. It's almost 3am, and for
the first time in ages I've been thinking about my life, what it has
become in the last six years and what I want from now on.

  I've made a decision. A big one.

  Probably the biggest I've ever made.

  Tomorrow, first thing in the morning, I'm telling Mulder I love him.

  I'm not going to rehearse it, I'm not going to make a scene, I'm not
going to talk in circles, I'll just come out and say, "Mulder, I love
you".

  I've been sitting here thinking not about the reasons I love him. Those
are clear to me, have been clear since the very beginning. Loving Mulder
is actually very easy. He's a gentle, caring, passionate man, who has the
greatest heart and the sharpest mind. He's funny, witty, and oh so
handsome.

  I love him for all the things he is and also for the things that he is
not. I love him when he is not thinking straight. I love him when he
doesn't tell me he's going off in some wild goose chase, even though it
does annoy the hell outta me. I love his dark moods, his egocentric
habits, I even love his stubborn and beligerant nature. I love him
completely, and if there was a time when I felt betrayed by my own
feelings for loving him, that time is long gone.

  I love loving him, it makes me a better person.

  A whole person.

  It makes me more human, more alive, more everything.

  I've been sitting here pondering if the time has come to tell him that
he is loved.

  And I have come to the conclusion that the time is right.

  Isn't it sad that I had to overhear some 7-11 clerks' discussion about
their love lives to finally come to terms with my own?

  I left work earlier today and I was on my way home when I decided I
really needed to splurge myself on ice cream. So I stopped at the first
store I spotted.

  While I was waiting for my change, the younger clerk, who looked 16
years old, with blond hair, freckles and braces, was telling the older
clerk that maybe she was in love with her boyfriend. The older clerk just
put her hands on her waist and said "Hon, let me tell you one thing:
you're young, you're pretty, and you can do whatever the heck you want to
do with your life. But the one thing you *can't* do is to keep living on
maybes."

  I stood there a good 30 seconds just looking at the woman, not quite
believing how truthful her words were. And that got me thinking. Now,
hours later, I've come to the conclusion that I *have* been living on
maybes.

  Maybe I'll tell Mulder how I feel and maybe I won't.

  Maybe Mulder will tell me he loves me back.

  Maybe he won't.

  Maybe it will destroy our partnership, and maybe it'll end up with us
living in a big house in the suburbs with a nice garden and white picket
fences with 2.5 kids running around the yard.

  Maybe yes, maybe no, maybe, maybe, maybe.

  Now I hate this word.

  But that's not the point.

  The point is I don't like living like this.

  It's not right to live like this. I just can't keep living on maybes
anymore.

  So that's why I've been torturing myself here, trying to figure out how
to change that. And, to my own surprise, the solution is downright easy: I
just have to tell Mulder that I love him.

  Now, since I've realized *what* to do, the only thing left was try to
figure out *how* to tell Mulder about my feelings for him. I mean, I know
telling him will be easy, but the repercussions of that might be not. Once
again, I was surrounded by maybes, so, after going through every reason
that I have to tell him and every reason that I have not to, I've decided
I will tell him.

  Tomorrow.

  First thing in the morning.

  The time is right. Tonight I realized I was waiting for something big to
happen to make us finally get together. But every single big thing that
could've happened to us has already happened. I lost count of how many
times we almost lost each other to some freaking monster or mutant, how
many times one of us was missing, how many times one of us was sick, or in
deep pain, or awfully hurt, or dying.

  We've been to hell and back, Mulder and I.

  And we survived.

  And now it's time to celebrate it. Not with parties and fireworks, but
with truth.

  In this case, love is the truth.

  I also have to be pratical and point that although we're still partners,
the X-Files are not in our hands anymore.

  Don't get me wrong, I want them back. They are my life as much as they
are Mulder's. But the fact is that we don't have them, and it looks like
we won't recover them from the Weasel and the Vamp anytime soon.

  Let's face it: the Weasel is working for Them, and my guess is that the
Vamp is in deep too. Mulder may defend her, for the sake of their past
together, but I know better.

  There was a time I could say for sure Mulder would not trade the X-Files
for anything or anyone but Samantha.

  That has changed though.

  I'm in the equation now.

  If it comes to it, I'll ask him to chose between me and the Vamp... but
I would *never* ask him to choose between me and the X-Files.

  Because I know he would choose me. He would be miserable and lost, but
he would choose me.

  And I would not be able to live with that.

  So I guess what I have to do is to make a good use of this oportunity.

  We don't have the X-Files. It's time for us to have a life.

  I'm not naive. I know we have to get the X-Files back. And I know it's
going to be one hell of a fight.

  I'm willing to do just about anything to get them back, just as Mulder
is, but I'm sure we'll be stronger once we admit our feelings to each
other.
 
  Mulder loves me. I know that.

  He even said it to me after that whole Queen Ann fiasco, but the poor
man was far too drowsy, I don't even think he remembers it.

  Anyway... although it was really nice to hear that, I didn't - I don't -
need declarations of undying love from him.

  I already know how he feels.

  To tell the truth, I'm sure he knows exaclty how I feel too. Our
feelings have been clear for a long time now. We've just been too chicken
to actually admit them to each other.

  I don't doubt Mulder's love for me.

  I did once. I was in a similar situation I am now, trying to find out
exactly what to do with my life. I was losing sight of myself and of what
was really important to me. I was afraid that I didn't have a life of my
own anymore, that I just had a supporting role in Mulder's life. At that
time, I was sure he couldn't love anything else than the work.

  But I know better now.

  I know he loves me.

  I know he is atractted to me.

  I know he wants me.

  I know it all.

  It doesn't help me though.

  Because what I don't know is what really matters in this case.

  And I don't know if even loving and wanting me, Mulder wants a closer
relationship with me.

  The thing is, I'm not getting any younger. I'm not the kind of woman who
will start to go out to some singles' bar to find a man. I don't need to
find one, I already have.

  I love Mulder.

  I'm in love with him.

  I want him.

  And if in the past I ever thought a deeper relationship between us would
be impossible, if I didn't want this kind of relationship, I do now.

  I want to be Mulder's lover.

  And I want all that will come with that.

  I want *the* Relationship with him.

  If that will end up in marriage or just me trying to find a way to put
his couch in my living room, so be it. I don't know really, the fact is
that I want to be with him.

  For the rest of my life. Our life.

  This is what scares the hell out of me.

  What if Mulder doesn't want that? What if I don't fit in his long term
plans? What if even knowing I love him and want him, Mulder won't want to
act on it?

  I have decided though.

  I'm telling him, even if the worst happens.

  I'm telling him.

  Tomorrow.

  First thing in the morning.

  Maybe he feels like he's not enough for me.

  Maybe he'll misunderstand my love for pity.

  Maybe he'll think I finally lost it.

  And maybe he'll smile that little smile of his that lightens up his eyes
and makes me weak in the knees.

  Maybe he'll hug me and kiss me.

  Maybe he'll say he loves me too.

  Maybe.

  But then, again, I can't live on maybes.


The End (1/1)

flames, cake recipes and naked DD pictures to scully@cruiser.com.br