TITLE: Path of the Believer AUTHOR: The Jedi Shipper E-MAIL ADDRESS: JediShipper@yahoo.com DISTRIBUTION: I would be honored if you want to archive it. Go ahead, just tell me where it goes. SPOILER WARNING: Within/Without RATING: G CLASSIFICATION: A KEYWORDS: During, post-Without SUMMARY: Might we not chose another path? AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well I had to jump on the bandwagon. DEDICATIONS: To my girl Ali who did a wonderful BETA job. To Fabs who encourages me all the way. And always to my busy girls Ree and Aidy. I love you people! "…a scientist must also be absolutely like a child. If he sees a thing, he must say that he sees it, whether it was what he thought he was going to see or not. See first, think later, then test. But always see first. Otherwise you will only see what you were expecting," -Douglas Adams, So Long And Thanks For All the Fish ~~~~~~ In a way, the slow, monotonous path of science is easier than the path of the believer. Mulder's instincts were sharp enough to follow that path and he trusted them no matter how ridiculous they sounded to him, or anyone otherwise. Mine are ill used, hampered by the now defunct logic of how things should be. I felt as crazy as Doggett thought I was, wandering with a flashlight through the seemingly endless desert. Logic told me I wouldn't find Mulder there but logic also told me Doggett's methods were right. Everything else in me knew that the opposite was the truth. For the first time, I wanted to believe badly enough that what I once told him, "They could drop you in the middle of the desert, tell you 'the truth is out there,' and you'd ask them for a shovel," could've applied to me at that moment. But my truth wasn't buried, covered under layer upon layer of conspiracy as his was. My truth was hidden from view by a science I was only beginning to accept but am far from understanding. I stared into the shaft of light beaming from my flashlight, willing it to bend; to reveal the truth I so desperately sought. "You're so close now," Gibson had said, and I still wonder if he was right. I could almost hear Mulder screaming my name as the chopper headed toward the hospital. I told myself that it was only my desperation to keep searching that was calling me back. Not for the first time since I'd been thrust into this journey, I had to stop and take a breath, telling myself that I couldn't afford to go crazy now. I couldn't afford weakness or surrender to the darkness that threatened to overtake me. This is the path of a believer. I remember only a haze after "Skinner" threw me across the room. I remember shooting the last person on Earth who could even begin to understand what I was going through and felt truly alone as I watched his face melt into green goo. My last thought before I finally broke was a prayer offered to a God I didn't know if I still believed in that the tiny life so newly sparked within me would not flicker and fall silent. Then I couldn't think anymore. Anger, frustration and utter terror were too much, and I could no longer withstand the barrage. I closed my eyes, crying, hoping against hope that the arms that scooped me up were Mulder's and the world could stop it's nauseating spin. I wanted to believe in miracles. But when I opened my eyes the world was still upside down and unrecognizable, and it was Doggett holding me. I knew it wouldn't be all right for a long time. But I couldn't afford to be in pieces for long. I had to think ahead. This was a hospital. Doctors would be here soon and would want to make sure I'd suffered no injuries. I'd have to tell them I was pregnant and Doggett couldn't be there when I did. I took several deep breaths. "Where did he go?" Doggett asked, seeing that I was calming. "What?" my voice sounded small to my ears, barely recognizable. "Your attacker," Doggett clarified. "Who was it? Where did he go?" Suddenly, it was anger that climbed to the top of my warring emotions. Anger I could hold on to. Anger I could work with. I pushed myself out of his arms but still didn't try to get up. "That," I said bitterly, pointing at the still bubbling green mass, "was my attacker. You want an official statement? He looked like Skinner so I got close to him, too close. He attacked me, went after Gibson and I shot him in the back of the neck. Then, he melted. Does that tell you what you need to know Doggett?" For a moment Doggett just stared at me. Then he shook his head. "You're protecting the guy that did this to you?" he asked incredulously. "Who was it? Was it Mulder?" Gibson's voice broke into my absolute furry that anyone would think Mulder could hurt me. "She's telling the truth. Mulder was in the desert. She saved me," he said in his calm, matter-of-fact way. That made Doggett pause. "Saved you from who?" he asked the boy. "From him," Gibson pointed to the green mess. "The alien." The doctors chose that moment to finally make their entrance. Doggett, for once, had nothing to say. I could see in his eyes he was wracking his brain for some kind of rationalization or logic to hold on to. I knew those allies well but I also knew that sometimes you couldn't win with old familiar friends. I almost felt sorry for Doggett. He wasn't all that unlike I had been 8 years ago, if I'd let myself admit it. He left to ponder that particular puzzle while the doctors descended on me. *** There was plenty of time to think while I was in the hospital. I made several decisions. The first decision I made, after attempting to raise my mother by phone for the fourth time since my strike of morning sickness, was that I had to be a better daughter. I pushed away the anger that immediately rose in me that she was not here for me when I needed her so desperately. I realized that I had never been there for her. I had never called when I was going to be out of town, why should she? Second, when Doggett flew all the way back to Arizona to make his peace with me I decided I would give him the benefit of the doubt. It'd taken me 7 long years to come to terms with the things my partner told me on the first case we went on. It had taken me this past year to accept it as truth. I can't expect someone like Doggett to believe so quickly, in spite of what he's already seen. My anger at his unwillingness to believe is an almost perfect irony. I must have driven Mulder crazy. The path of the believer is the lonelier. Which brought me to my third decision. After the Lone Gunmen came by, I knew that I would have to keep the X-Files up and running. They were so close to shutting it down, I knew only sympathy kept the X-Files safe for now. But on cases like the X-Files, so many things couldn't be explained or solved with only my science. "How do you do it?" I'd asked him once after another leap of his proved right. He'd smiled at me. "I'm not that unlike you Scully. I weigh the possibilities rationally and come to a conclusion. I include the paranormal possibilities as I would the normal ones because I believe in them." His eyes had twinkled as he added, "You could say I leaped to them scientifically." When asked why she walked into a mine, Eleanor Roosevelt once said that she was her husband's legs. I decided that in his absence, I would be Mulder's open mind. I never thought I'd see the day when I didn't scoff at scientific leaps, but then I never thought I'd see the day when I said I want to believe. I want to believe. I visited Skinner when the doctors finally released me. His eyes were still horribly bruised from the toxins in the alien's blood, but he was alive, and apparently relieved to see me. "Scully," he greeted as I sat. "I've been worried about you. Agent Doggett said you were okay but…" he trailed off. But he couldn't ask him about the baby. "The baby's fine," I assured him, relieved myself to have heard that bit of news. "Then why did they keep you so long? Why did they have to hook you to an IV?" he pointed to the small punctures in right wrist. Damn, I forget that he's an FBI Agent too, trained to pick out details. I hung my head as I had when the doctor lectured me on pre-natal care the day before. "I- um, let myself get more dehydrated then was safe. I-," I broke off, my voice breaking again. "I just wanted him to be home. I thought that if I could just get him back then everything would be fine." Skinner reached out and took my hand. "He's gone? Really gone?" he asked softly. I found the strength to look up again and found his eyes wide as I had ever seen them. "The Gunmen set up their equipment…their laser lights or whatever, after Doggett and his men left the desert. The ship was gone. They haven't tracked any activity since the other night." There was a silence and Skinner didn't offer any words of comfort. He knew that none would be sufficient, could be sufficient until Mulder was safe with me again. I knew it would be a long, hard wait, but he would come back. I wanted to believe. "You know it's funny," Skinner said suddenly, his voice as distant as the pained look in his eyes was on the surface. "In all literature, the sky is always a thing of beauty and wonder…. It's never looked as large and threatening to me as it does now." I looked where he was looking out the window and imagined Samantha and the children of starlight. Every part of the world I thought I knew so well had an abundance of goodness in it. But my job had always been to protect that part from the evil's that inhabited the same place. Now there was a bigger area, however unreachable, to canvas. I turned back to Skinner and told him the conclusion I'd come to. "The path of a believer is the harder." ~~Fini~~ And so it is the harder, as Patience proved. Now she's the one being scrutinized and yelled at. Anyway, I'd appreciate feedback!