The Way You See Me

ThrillHouse@msn.com

Rating :  PG

Disclaimer:  The characters are not mine, they belong to
Chris Carter and 1013.  I am just borrowing them.  

Feedback:  please!  ThrillHouse@msn.com

Spoiler:  Amor Fati, a different twist on the ending

Summary:  Mulder finds strength in himself as he sees
himself through Scully's eyes. 

Dedication:  Thank you to Kim for being part of the
discussion through which this idea was borne.  Thanks to
Linz for all her encouragment.  Thank you to Sheri for her
editing help.  Thanks to the MNL.  You are all so
wonderful. 
****************

"The Way You See Me"

by Heather
ThrillHouse@msn.com

He shut the apartment door and wandered back to his
couch.  His heart was still beating rapidly.  He wanted to
attribute it solely to the fact that he was still recovering
from the events of the past weeks, but he knew that wasn't
true.  His rapid pulse and the smile on his face had
everything to do with the woman who had just left his
doorway.  

Scully.

Over a  year ago he had implored her to see his heart
through his words of truth.  'You saved me Scully', he had
said.  'You made me a whole person'.  Those words had
never been more true than on this night.  

She saved him.  

He wished that, for just one moment he could give her the
gift that he had fought with.  To see a person's true self
without the lies they presented to the world.  He wished that
she could possess that ability for one moment without the
curse that came along with it.  For only if she could truely
see his soul would she ever be able to grasp how much she
meant to him.  

Mulder lay his head back on the couch and shut his eyes.  

He again saw a beach, a sand sculpture and a young boy. 
Only this time the young boy wasn't alone.  He walked
closer so that he might see better.  The boy was on top of a
large sand sculpture but his body was hiding the face of the
person who was with him.  

The young boy placed some more sand on the edge of the
sculpture and patted it down.  His smile turned into tears as
the side began to crumble away.  He knew the boy was
tempted to leave.  To walk away.  The boy knew it was
sometimes hard to continue, the task too great.  He
sometimes doubted himself.  He sometimes doubted his
beliefs, but his beliefs were stronger now.  Toughened
through trial yet some fissures still remained.  

Mulder's heart felt for the little boy.  He too wanted to see
the sand sculpture come to be something of purpose.  He
wanted his committment to be meaningful.  He wanted to
believe in himself, now more than ever, but there were still
some places within himself where doubt still resided.  

Mulder's head dropped down mirroring the boy's own
head.  Mulder saw the person sitting behind the boy move. 
With the boy's downcast face he could clearly see both
figures.  

A little girl came to the side of the boy.  Her red hair stirred
a bit in the wind.  Her bright blue eyes smiled in hope and
encouragement at the boy.  She took her own hands and
began to rebuild the broken part of the sculpture.  

The small boy looked at her.  She continued to work hard at
the task before her.  

The little boy whispered to her "I thought you didn't
believe?"

Her blue eyes looked to him and she said with all the
strength she possessed, "but I believe in you."

The little boy took his place at her side and put his hands
into the sand next to hers.

****************************

Part 2

Three hours later

Mulder took a deep breath of the fresh sea air.  He was
seated on a large rock on the shore.  He faced the sea and
watched a boat as it floated by in the far distance.  

"So Mulder I get a phone call telling me to meet you here
with specific instructions to leave my suede jacket and
high-heeled shoes at home.  I don't see a baseball diamond
close by though."  

Mulder smiled.  He was facing the water and couldn't see
her face but could tell by the levity in her words that she
wasn't unhappy about being told to drive to the oceanside
to meet him.  

Mulder scooted over and shrugged off his jacket.  He laid it
on the spot he had just abandoned.  

"Saved you a seat, Scully."  

Scully sighed yet couldn't help the smile that had come to
her lips.  

Curiosity had been growing in her since the phone call from
Mulder.  She knew almost everything about this man but
she wanted to know more about this other side of him.  This
side that didn't come out often enough.  This was the man
who called her up to place baseball and held her close.  This
was the  man who kissed her cheek and tried to distract her
thoughts from her fight with cancer with inane discussions
and sweet smiles.  This is the  man who sang Happy
Birthday to her as she was presented with a hostess treat
with a candle on top.  

She walked to the rock, sitting down beside him.  Her
curiosity was biting at her but she would wait.  When
Mulder was ready he would talk.  For now she would just
enjoy his presence and the clean sea air.  

They sat together in peaceful silence for several minutes. 
Mulder turned his gaze from the ocean toward Scully and
she in turn looked at him.  

He couldn't help but grin as he saw the quizzical expression
on Scully's face.  He loved this woman.  

"Scully when I was lost I had something taken from me
but gained something as well."  He paused to ready himself
for his next words.  He had always doubted himself but had
never shared this self-doubt with anyone preferring
everyone to see self assurance.  What would Scully think
when faced with his inner thoughts.  It was a risk he had to
take.  And most importantly he trusted her.

"I have always wanted to believe in the unknown.  I have
always wanted this but at the same time I desired even more
to believe in myself.  To believe in my own abilities and in
my dreams.  I was ready to give up Scully but you made me
see myself as you see me.  I saw myself through your eyes. 
Your belief in me became my belief in myself."

Mulder watched as Scully's eyes filled with tears.  It
touched him that her concern and care for him would be so
great that it would touch a part of her that she kept hidden
from so much of the world.

She begain to say his name with a voice so soft and full of
care but he shushed her.  He needed to finish what he had to
say first.  Out of respect for him she stopped speaking, took
his hand in her own and squeezed lightly.  When she
attempted to release his hands, he wouldn't let her let go. 
She didn't mind and gave him a quick smile.  

 "I always wanted to believe in the supernatural Scully. 
That was easy for me to want to believe in.  There is
something else I have wanted to believe in.  I wanted to
believe in us, that I could love you and you could love me
back.  I was afraid Scully and I doubted myself.  I was as
afraid to believe in that as you were reluctant to believe in
the supernatural.  I was afraid that you would see how
unworthy and incapable I am."

"Now I believe Scully.  I believe.  I believe in myself.  I
believe that I can accept your love and that my love is
something you might actually want."  

Mulder brought their clasped hands against his chest,
against his heart, as he looked at her, holding her gaze.

Mulder stopped speaking as Scully's fingers came up to
trace his lips.  Tears were freely running down her face.  He
reached up with his free hand to wipe them away.  

"I believe Mulder."  she said.  

The End