Title: "A Woman Waits."
Author: Joylynn Wing
Posting Date: March 2000
Rating: PG 13 for foul language and kissing
Classification: MSR, Angst, post epi.
Archive: Gossamer, Ephemeral, Xemplary, Spookys 2000;
others, please drop me a line.
Spoilers: This is a post epi for "En Ami".
Summary: "A woman waits for me, she contains all, nothing
is lacking."
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to 1013 and Fox.
Feedback: Are you kidding? Make my day at aljoyw@a-znet.com
My special thanks to Amy, Wendy, and Pita for giving great
beta.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love drives out
fear."
1 John 4:18

                  ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I once told Scully that she always keeps me guessing.
And that is so true. Every minute of our life together she
has kept me guessing. If I ever figure out how this woman's
mind works...hell we all know that isn't going to happen.
This is Scully that we are talking about. Still waters do
run deep, and I haven't a clue as to where to start.

Well, I lied. I do have a clue. That is why I am pacing the
sidewalk right outside of her apartment. A woman waits for
me to confront her, and I do not plan to let her down.

                    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"What the hell were you thinking, Scully?" I ask as I walk
briskly by her, making sure that I don't touch her at all.
I need to keep my resolve and I know that if I touch her,
all of the strength that I have will be sucked up by the
burning heat of her touch.

I turn to her and her face is blank and expressionless.
This seeming lack of interest on her part just ticks me off
more and I continue, my voice harsh and clipped. "You lied
to me. After all of these years and everything that we have
been through, you lied to me. What was I to think? Did you
honestly think that you could just disappear like that and
I would not go looking for you?"

She just stands there, her arms shoved into the pockets of
her ridiculously long and ratty robe. I sense nothing from
her, not a flicker of life at all.

I begin to pace, not caring at all that since the door is
still open, all of her FBI loving neighbors can easily
hear every word I say. After tonight, she might not be as
popular as she seems to be.

"How do you think I felt when I heard you had went with
*him*? CGB Spender? The Smokin' man? I *thought* that I
would never see you again. I *thought* that he would kill
you or worse, you would disappear and *they* would do to
you what they did before."

Finally Scully's stoic face winces just enough to convince
me that she is still alive and I go in for the kill.

"Is this what our partnership has come down to? Is this
what *we* have become? I've gone to the ends of the Earth
for you, and this is how you repay me?"

Ok. That *might* have been a little harsh but who the hell
cares?

As I come to the end of my diatribe, my keen sense of
observation notices how dark her apartment is. This *is* a
new development. You see, ever since that bastard Pfaster
attacked her that last time, she has left on *all* of the
lights in her apartment...even when she has been sleeping.

How do I know this? Well, you could say that since that
time I have been practicing surveillance on my beloved
partner...for her own good of course.

"Have you come to your point yet?" Scully raises a brow and
narrows her eyes. Oh boy, if looks could kill I would be
six feet under and pushing up daisies right now. As she
steps behind me, she shuts the door calmly behind her. Then
she turns and walks over slowly to the window, the bright
moonlight framing her endless curves as tenderly as a
lover's touch.

"This wasn't about you, Mulder." Scully answers as she
turns to face me. As I get a good look at her, I finally
notice how tired she looks. Her hair hangs limply about her
sculptured face, her normally bright blue eyes are
surrounded by dark shadows and appear lackluster, even
unfocused.

"Not everything is about you," she continues as she reaches
out and pulls back the curtain from the window, the
moonlight flooding the shadows with its touch. "This was
about millions of innocent people struck with a horrible,
life-threatening disease that I had a chance to help.
Ultimately, this was about something bigger than
ourselves."

Ok...now I feel like shit. I know she is right. Scully is
the least selfish person I know. I just wish she had told
me.

"When he approached me...I was skeptical, but even if there
was the slightest chance- I needed the truth. Isn't that
why we are here? Why we have spent the past seven years of
our lives lurking about in the shadows? Searching for the
truth?"

That's my G-woman. She is the expert on how to end an
argument even before it has started. Evasion, thy name is
Dana Scully.

"But Cancer-man...all that he knows to do is to lie and
even now he proves it once again. He was using you, just as
he uses everyone else." I remind her as I step forward with
my arms open. "Remember what he did to you and to those
women...to Sam."

I want her to know how scared I was when I had found out
that she had been with him. She is all that I have, all
that I believe in. She is my world and I want her to know
how much she had hurt me when she had kept this a secret
from me.

"Mulder, you have found your answers...you have completed
your journey." Scully waves her slender hand out in front
of her as if to make a point. "Mine however wasn't. I have
had this empty hole inside of me ever since I was taken and
nothing that I would ever do could fill it up."

She then closes her eyes, reaches down and gently twists
her necklace between her fingers. She embraces it, the
glittering metal symbol of both of our truths. "I promised
Penny and myself that I would find *that* truth that would
set us free. I didn't want all of that suffering to be
meaningless.

I am floored. Is this my Scully? What the hell did *that*
bastard do to her? Now don't get me wrong but my Scully
would never willingly share anything so profound with
anyone, especially me.

You see...my partner needs to feel like she is in control
and being out of control is a sin in her orderly little
world. For her to admit that is a great sacrifice on her
part. I feel like I am witnessing a real, honest to
goodness miracle.

"But you should have told me...I thought that you trusted
me...." I shove my hands into my pockets and look down at
the floor dejectedly. I guess that this is the part that
bothers me the most. She knows that she can come to me.
Sure, it's not like we are attached at the hip...we do live
separate lives outside of work...but I know that we do rely
on each other, if nothing else.

Scully opens her eyes as she shyly glances at me and lets
out a deep breath. "I trust you with everything I am...you
are everything to me...but this was my battle. I needed to
fight it alone."

Oh my God...did I just hear what I thought I heard? So,
what *are* the other signs of the end times again? I think
that I might have just seen one. In the past, when we have
discussed what we feel for one another, I have been the one
to make the first move. I've been the one to open my
heart...and then when it was her turn she basically would
just agree.

My Scully *is* the strong silent type.

"But don't you know, Scully. You are never alone." I need
to touch her...to connect with her so I step forward and
put my hands on her shoulders, pretending not to notice the
shiver which I elicit. As much as I do not want to admit it
at this minute, this thrills me; to see her react to my
touch like this.

The last few days I have felt so much distance between
us...it tears me apart. At least, even if only for a
moment, I have closed the gap. Of course, as I stand here
touching her, all that it really accomplishes is to
accentuate how truly vertically challenged she really is.

And when I take a deep breath in relief, that is when I
smell it: the faint, sweet odor of wine. Ah, *this* is
where she had gotten her courage, I should have known.
Hell, I don't care. After what she has been through
she deserves to unwind. She isn't a lush.

"I know that. I rely on that." As she speaks, her lips turn
up in a small smile. "That's why you couldn't help me- I
need- the *work* needs you." She reaches up and with a
hesitant touch traces the length of my cheek with her
finger. "I couldn't risk losing you if it *were* a
lie...too much rides on you...on us."

She then steps over and lays her head on my chest, her
shoulders hitching slightly. I can feel the flutter of her
heart and I find myself relaxing into her touch. I have to
admit, she does have an affect on me also. No one else but
Scully can reduce me to a six-foot plus quivering ball of
body parts. As I close my eyes she mumbles into my chest,
the words almost inaudible. "Besides, I don't know what I
would do if something were to happen to you..."

"What, Scully? I didn't quite get that..." I push her back
gently and search her face.

Ok...I'll admit it. I am weak. The woman that I love has
just admitted that she needs me probably just as much as I
need her. However, how can I really believe it *if* I don't
at least hear it once again. Otherwise, when I wake up
tomorrow morning, I might think that it was all a dream: a
beautiful, wonderful dream.

*Considering* what I have been through with this woman, who
could blame me?

She slips out from under my grasp and walks over to gesture
towards the door. "Nothing, Mulder...I need some time...if
you wouldn't mind?" Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, you
know. It is a river that runs deep and dark through the
corners of her soul.

"I do mind." I state as I put my hands on my hips. If she
thinks I am leaving now, she has another thing coming. I am
not going anywhere. Not when we are so close. "You can't
even say it, can you?" I continue as I smile and chuckle,
"even after all of these years."

We are quite a pair, Scully and me. For two fairly bright,
well-educated people we are probably two of the most
dysfunctional people out there.

"I don't know what you are talking about...." Scully turns
away, her face hidden well in the shadows. She knows that
she lies about as well as she sings which is, really bad.
That is probably why she refused to talk to me when she
called Skinner. She might be able to fool him, but not me
and she knows it.

"You do know." I walk over slowly and turn her to face me.
Even in the near darkness of her home, I can see the fear
and pain in her eyes; the same fear and pain that I saw in
her eyes right before we nearly kissed in my hallway. "This
*thing* that has been between us for as long as I can
remember." I whisper as trace the line of her jaw with my
finger, the silky flesh quivering softly under my touch.

"Ok..." Scully shrugs as a bright blush creeps across her
face. Ah, this is too cute. No, really. I have seen Scully
blush maybe once since I have known her. Now, I know it is
in some part probably from her alcohol consumption but I
also know she is far from wasted. "I will admit that
it did have some influence in my decision...."

"I thought so." I answer cockily. You have to understand
where I am coming from. Ever since we kissed New Year's Eve
we have been in a perpetual black hole of waiting. Waiting
for the other to break down and take the next step since we
are too afraid to do it ourselves. It's so nice to see that
the wait may just be finally coming to
an end.

I know we are not your typical couple but we do all right.

"Don't get too smug, Mulder." She walks over to the sofa
and sits down, crossing her arms in front of her. Blue eyes
look me over with mock disdain as that brow admonishes me
once again. Jesus, she turns me on when she does that.
Spank me honey...I have been really bad.

"But why would it?" I question as step over, sit down
beside her, and take her hand in mine. My hand starts to
tremble as much as hers and I know that it isn't cold in
here. We both know that we are close to the end of a
journey that we have been on for a very long time. "I just
assumed that you weren't ready... that you were too afraid
that I would somehow fuck it up-"

"Mulder, you are so pathetic...so clueless that you aren't
even in the ball park, let alone the game." Scully reaches
over, squeezes my hand and smiles as she shakes her head.
Her blue eyes are blood shot and watery, her make-up
smeared but I swear that she has never been more beautiful
to me.

"I take offense to that." I then sit back and roll my eyes
in mock indignation since I know that she is right.

"You honestly believed that *that* was the reason why I
didn't take your lead?" Scully reaches over and turns on a
lamp, flooding the room with its presence as she prepares
to reveal some of her secrets to me. The light momentarily
blinds me and when I adjust, Scully has turned to face me;
and for once her arms...and her heart are wide open. As I
look about, I see the glass of wine that she had been
drinking on the table next to us, the blurry smear of her
lipstick staring accusingly at me. This is how she feels.
Blurred, not quite all there. I can tell how much that
bastard has really hurt her.

If I weren't such a manly man, I would cry.

"Mulder, I didn't want to take the next step because of
many reasons, but they were about me, not you." She shifts
about and brings her legs up and to the side, allowing her
to face me better. The robe rides up, and for once I see
quite a lot of slender pale leg and pretty pink toes.

I think that I have just seen heaven or as close as I will
ever get.

As she makes herself comfortable she says, "the first
reason was my cancer."

"Are you ill?" My heart sinks to the floor, as my mind
replays the worst nightmare of my life. I don't think that
I can go through that again.

"No, Mulder. But I *am* only in remission." She reaches up
and points to the space between her brows...just above her
nose. "It was...and still is there...waiting for the right
moment" She then leans over, the open neckline of her robe
falling forward, revealing inch after inch of creamy
cleavage framed in midnight blue satin...a little too much
Scully-skin for my sanity.

"But the chip-" I squeak like a pre-pubescent school boy as
I try to force my eyes up to her face but I find that I
can't seem to do it. I only hope that she doesn't have her
gun anywhere near by. However, it seems that someone up
there had decided to take pity on me and on the party which
is now going on in my pants and she sits back up, holding
the wine in her hand.

"At that time we didn't know if it stopped the cancer or
not," she continues as she takes a small sip of it. "The
only thing that we did know was that it could be used to
control my behavior. Through me *they* could control you. I
couldn't give them more of a hold over you than the already
had."

Scully then looks into my eyes, as if she could see
straight into my soul and I literally feel as if the
temperature in the room has gone up several hundred
degrees. "When he approached me," she says, "I thought that
I could be free...you could be free...that everyone could
be free. But I failed. I was so close...to every answer to
every question posed by medicine. I was so close to helping
so many people. That is what I went into medicine for."

A single tear falls down her cheek, symbolizing the
tremendous loss, which she is feeling.

"You didn't fail," I reach over and place my hand on her
thigh. I should have known. Sometimes the only thing that
surpasses my guilt is the guilt that Scully sometimes
carries around. She tries so damn hard to be perfect that
sometimes she isn't going to meet her own expectations.

"He either used you for his own agenda or something else
got in the way, whatever the case you did your best. You
always do. It wasn't your fault." That earns me a smile,
dimples and all. Did I mention how much I love and adore
this woman?

"And as for the rest," I say, "I don't give a damn. You are
and will always be the only thing that matters to me."

"I told you that were many reasons, Mulder." She reaches
over and takes a big swig of the red wine, averting her
eyes from me. Her face is now almost as flushed as the
alcohol she drinks. This is it...I can tell from the
tension in the air. I'm not sure if I should fall to my
knees or run the other way like the coward that I am.

"I've always been attracted to strong, powerful men; men,
which have been in a position of authority over me. I'm not
sure why but I seem pick real winners...men which want to
use that power and control over me. I always ended up
getting hurt and I swore that after the last one I would
never put my self into that situation again...then I met
you."

"You sweet, infuriatingly wonderful man." She glances over
at me, fear etched over every inch of her face just when we
nearly kissed in my hallway. "You affect me like *even*
they weren't able to do...you scare me."

I feel so bad for her and I know how much this is affecting
her, but I can't...no I will not stop her. It's all or
nothing.

"Me, Scully?" I chuckle as I point to my chest. "I assure
you that I do not bite...well at least not much." I reach
over and tuck her hair behind her ear, as I have seen her
do several times before. Even with my color-blindness, I
recognize just how beautiful her hair really is. It truly
suits her; the color belays the passion that surges just
below the innocence.

"Seriously, you are the only thing that had kept me alive
all these years. I would kill for you...die for you." I
offer as I smile, "you are my heart; my soul. You are my
strength...I love you."

I know...I know...I really do have it bad!

"I know, I've always known...." she leans back and
puts her hand over mine. "I love you too."

Tears come to my eyes and as I look into hers, I see the
same tears reflected back at me also. As I smile, she
smiles and the truth is finally revealed, after seven long
years. And before I can even take my next breath, she leans
over and captures my mouth with hers. It is chaste and
innocent, but even with the first glancing touch of lips
upon lips, I can feel the desire just beneath the exterior.

Lost in her presence, I sigh into her kiss as my eyes fall
closed. So many emotions overwhelm me that I can't seem to
think, only feel. And I guess that is what love is all
about; letting go and letting the moment just happen.

Her lips are warm, gentle and soft and for minutes or
seconds we do not move, we just exist in each other's
presence. We are savoring a moment which we both have
waited for. But of course, I need more. I am a greedy man.
I increase my pressure, sliding my lips more firmly over
hers as I make my intentions known.

I then use my lips to tug on her upper one, finally tasting
her like I have always dreamed of before I drag my tongue
over the upper curve of her lip. Scully moans and before I
know it, her arms are tightly wrapped around my neck and
her mouth opens under mine, as she responds with a passion
which I always knew that she possessed.

She tastes dark and honeyed. She tastes of wine, love,
acceptance and of a dozen other things which I can't
identify. All that I know at this moment is that it is all
for me; all of that it directed at me- one sorry Son of a
Bitch. And then I realize, I must not be so sorry after
all.

Fearing for my control as lust surges through every cell of
my body, I pull away before I can't stop and I put my
forehead to hers, the warm humid tickle of her breath on me
arousing even more.

"I'm so tired, Mulder." Scully yawns and snuggles closer to
me, her breaths already becoming soft and regular.

So I wasn't exactly expecting that reaction but it will
do for now. I am a patient man and Scully is well under the
influence.

"Let's get you into bed." I reach over, pull her into my
arms and stand up, my knees cracking louder than a gunshot.

"Mulder!?" Scully punches me gently in the arm, as she
settles in like she has always belonged there. And she
always has. I have been in love before, in fact several
times but I have always felt like something was missing.
And there was. It was Scully, it was always Scully; no one
else.

"To rest, Scully." I turn and carry her to her bedroom, my
heart at peace for once in my sorry life. "Nothing
else...just knowing you love me is enough for now, Scully."

And it is.

Walt Whitman once wrote that "A woman waits for me, she
contains all, nothing is lacking." This is so true. And I
will wait also, for she is everything.

Email me at aljoyw@a-znet.com and let me know what you
think. I would love the company.